How to Deal With Loneliness

Knowing how to deal with loneliness can make a particularly unpleasant period of your life manageable. We all experience loneliness, some to a greater extent than others, but it’s how we deal with it that shows our true strength of character. 

Photo Credit: Designlazy.com

Steps

1- Ask yourself whether you are you actually lonely? Loneliness and solitude are two different things. Loneliness suggests that you are alone against your will i.e. you’d prefer to be socialising or in the presence of others/a lover, whereas solitude suggests that you are alone out of choice. Solitude is a much easier problem to solve!

2- Take time and put effort into understanding why you are lonely? Was there a certain incident that led to this moment? Do you find it difficult interacting with others? Are you simply too busy to socialise? Have you alienated those around you? Are you short tempered or unpleasant to be around? Is there a physical issue that makes it difficult for people to engage with you? If you can’t quite put your finger on it, ask someone in a non-threatening way (there will always be someone who, although doesn’t want to be friends with you or be your lover, will always be decent enough a person to give you some honest feedback if you ask them in an emotionally uncharged way). Once you understand why you are in the situation that you are in, you can begin on the long road to fixing, or at least mitigating, the issue. 

3- Do not hate the players, hate the game. Yea people can be unkind, and they may have been unfair to you, but somewhere down the line you need to accept minor fault for your position. People will always need someone to pick on or be unkind to, but there must be a reason why they chose you and not someone else. Have you adopted a certain characteristic that makes you an ‘easy target’? Did a single incident typecast you? The sooner you stop blaming everyone else, the sooner you can address the issue and move on.

4- Work to your strengths. Now you understand your weaknesses, define what you are good at socially, or, what you could be good at. Make a conscious effort to address your weaknesses whilst weighting towards your strengths, or new social aspects that you want to practice. 

5- Practice socialising online. Join an online community. Online socialising can be a dangerous pitfall that you become reliant on and in doing so ‘put off’ real life social interactions, however it is a good place to start. You will miss out on reading body language and engaging eye contact and many of the subtleties of human relationships, but it will give you an opportunity to engage with others in part and will help develop your confidence. Put a time limit on this stage of dealing with loneliness before complimenting it with real life social interactions. 

6- You may have already been typecast in a certain group of individuals, so try making new friends. This can be much less painful an experience than trying to change the opinion of those you have had issues with in the past. Start new hobbies, go to dance class, join a sports, music or arts class. Although it is good to meet all types of new people, try and move within social circles of your same age. 

7- Take the initiative; it’s a scary prospect, but attempt to initiate conversation. Do so in a manner that seems natural and effortless i.e. don’t be staring at this person for 20 minutes beforehand trying to work up the courage! Read a book on Neuro-Linguistic Programming (see recommended products).

8- We have two ears and one mouth, use them in that proportion. Listening is a key social skill, and requires much less effort than talking, so let the people that you meet take the lead. When it is your turn to talk however, don’t just answer in monosyllabic answers! See ‘how to have a great conversation’ for tips.

9- Hold eye contact and smile. When engaging with someone, hold eye contact and smile. A stupid grin will be off putting, but a slight upwards curl on the side of our mouth will go a long way.

10- If you have to do things alone, then do them alone outside! If you have nothing to do with your Saturday and no one to see, then go out and read a book in a café or on a park bench. This serves two purposes: 1, getting out and about is healthy for body and mind, 2, you never know, someone may see the book that you’re reading and want to talk to you about it. Placing yourself in situations where it is actually possible to socialise is incredibly important! 

Tips

Learn to love yourself. This comes first through an appreciation of who you are and your strengths and weaknesses. Once you can love yourself, you will be a much more positive presence for other people to be around. 

Find an outlet through the arts. Loneliness isn’t always a bad thing when only temporary. It can be beautiful. 

Do not come on too strong with new people that you meet. It can put them off! Take things slow.

Don’t indulge your problems with people you’ve only just met as it can be quite disconcerting.